grapes of wrath

context: i went to california. stayed with mandy & nick.
interviewed at a small ad firm, had lunch with scott hancock of the glue network, coffee with bryan terzi of bulldog drummond, ate fortune cookies in a parking lot with mandy & nick.
downtown san diego

decided it was utopia.
found out i didn't get the job.
came home and wrote two emails:

(1: to several people who knew)

hey guys, here's the bottom line(s):

- i'm not senior enough for what they need... but as their business grows, the minute a more mid-level spot opens up they're going to "pick me up in a heartbeat". so that's encouraging. apparently the EIGHT people i met last friday all enjoyed me, but they want to hire someone who can rock independently, and i still need some coaching, so it seems like a fair assessment.

- the CEO told me in our interview that this is going to be a big year for new business, so that heartbeat might not be as far away as it feels right now.

- i'm working with a headhunter who is still very encouraging and receptive to me wanting to move to SoCal. i mentioned that i'm planning on spending more time out there in general and am totally into informational meetings - like, show you my work and see how we vibe without the expectation of a job offer coming out of it. that got headhunter lady really excited, and that is likely to roll out in the next couple months. so who knows.

- after i duct tape my little heart back together, this week is going to be spent deconstructing my life. i need to figure out what i want from the world. i was talking to scott hancock last saturday (hi!) and said basically "i have the life we're told to pursue as Americans, and i just don't totally care." i know i'm a jerk and should get punched in the face for feeling apathetic about what honestly is a very good job but i still have to figure out A. what it is i want and B. how to leverage everything else to get it.

so it hasn't worked out... yet. but i honestly think i'll be heading west this year one way or another.

thanks for all your support guys, i can't even tell you how cool you are.
all my love,

(2: to the founder of Obangatek)

Hi Jonathan!!!!

your email warms my heart in a lot of ways and i'm really excited to show you what i'm working on - i'm developing a messaging workshop that i'll be taking Eric & Scott Byington through this coming Monday & Tuesday. if it works well for Elias Fund, i'd love to share it with you. if it doesn't, then i'd love to update it and THEN share LOL in other words, count me in. i am humbled and joyful that you'd have me on your team!

i agree with everything you said regarding free will and the questions i was putting forth before; i feel like i should explain that not everyone that received that email was a Christian, so i had translated my true feelings a little bit... i agree that it's so, so difficult to ask "what do i want to do" when all my prayer has ever really been is "please Father, keep me on your path - wherever you put me i'll do my best for you." and since reading Intercessory Prayer and reflecting on my path, i feel led to explore what i hope the future brings.

i had given up - not in a reluctant or... sense of loss way - on asking for specific things a long time ago, as in, i never in my life asked to know you or someone like you, and yet here we are. i know that what the Lord provides surpasses anything it occured to me to ask for in the first place :) so i'm still not asking "can i do this, have this, be this," but instead am sticking to "what is the best use for me, what does the most good" kind of questions. does that make sense? i'm forever begging God to accept my will as my gift to Him and hoping / asking for the first time that He responds in a more literal manner than i've seen :)

anyway. i feel that the point of my san diego trip was to meet up with Scott Hancock, and less to interview - although the interview process taught me a lot. i felt better after an hour with scott than i did the entire time i was in the office, and your email has me more excited than i've been in weeks. oh, BTW i got laid off about 2 weeks ago!! yipes. but i had lunch with someone yesterday, a man with whom i have kind of a mutual fascination - he basically said to me, "i want to hire you and i'm trying to build a job specifically for you... but i'd almost rather NOT hire you and see what you do." and given the last couple paragraphs, that feels like some pretty clear direction.

although i did respond, "but... i still need health insurance." so i'm still bound to some degree to have a mainstream job. this will get interesting. while we're on this tangent: i've lost 80 #s since last october. crazy. i am finally staring to look like how i remember myself, and feeling amazingly unburdened from the extra weight... literally :)

duct-taping my heart together has had its challenges. the past few weeks have been rough in losing my job and my mom and i are not getting along. but even in the face of some adversity my energy's high and i've been saying since last november that in 2009 Jesu's going to blow the doors off the hinges. EVERYTHING is in transition this year, not just America and Obama but DTJ, Elias Fund, Braddigan, my work, my family, everything. and i can't wait to be there.

your email put a huge smile on my face and i'm really excited to work with you!!
with love,