i'm not apologizing for being trigger happy with the lists here

i know bloggers in general can be fired for writing about work, so i have always said i never would. but since that's all i do these days there's nothing else to write about so maybe i will write about work. i'm starting this post and still not sure if i'll take it there.

i'm working all the time. which is good, i'm learning a lot, but still also learning a lot about balance and how

whatever. i'm totally out of steam.

it's been a week a chapter of eternity where reality really kicked me in the teeth.
• first phone consultation with the place in california where i'll be having surgery this october
• now i have to go to all my doctors for a final round of approvals for surgery
• then i have to... think further than that. cause i haven't been at all.

i'm hitting an overwhelming point again and it's not like i don't have a support system - my friends are and have been so, so amazing. but it still happens sometimes in the middle of the night where you just wake up alone. and get yourself a glass of water. and are alone in the quiet dark of four in the morning. a bird chirps, a siren wails by and you're at the foot of your bed with a glass in your hand, not even realizing you're standing there listening until a drop of condensation hits your finger and that tiny impact makes you flinch.

and everyone that knows me knows i love living alone, and truthfully it's not even this that's bothering me. i know i have friends who will pick up the phone, my family is going to california with me, i've been going to a really good support group and my doctors are all on my side. but sometimes there's just the flash of 'why me' and it burrows under my skin like little maggots that i'll shed along with the rest of the shit that will come off my body and soul before the end of the year.

my God, that last sentence was the unveiling.

that's what it is. i've always been the type to compartmentalize my irrationalities from the rational parts and they're starting to mix together.
and
i
don't
like
it
one
bit.

and it feels so much better to think it out and acknowledge it. i was talking a few weeks ago with an old dear friend who just went through some hard times himself and we just spent a few minutes talking about how sometimes we just ignore or forget that
• talking would feel better
• it's SO like me and it's SO like him to play things down and just work through it
• we don't realize / accept other people want to know what we're going through
• we don't know others want to learn about the predicament if they have no frame of reference
• and they appreciate your honesty

and i had a dose of all these points talking to a new friend last week who said i was brave for being so open about it. and what he didn't know and doesn't know about are all the bells in my head that go off as i start to talk to a guy about how my body works and how surgery is scary and exciting and how it sucks to be a big girl but nice to not quite be big enough to worry about airplane and theater seats. i don't want to tell attractive men about the things that make me neurotic. but you know what? it's me. all the time, this is part of who i am. and i'm about to change again.

new friend was asking about the surgery and talked about a friend of his who is also dealing with some insulin fun... and ultimately an anchoring thought kept me easygoing despite of the bells in my head.

[how he cares for his friend] > [my own modesty].

it's kind of difficult to explain what i mean by that. but i mean it literally, while i was talking about surgery and insulin and feeling trapped by my situation i was thinking less about Poor Me and more about equipping him to have a good conversation with his friend. it's like keeping it in my head keeps it in the dark, and talking about it exposes it to the light. and you know, you need to let your light shine :) share what you know, and let it build something instead of chip away at you.

it's the same old thing i've been saying, how i'm now living in this "unashamed to bear my scars" existence and i'll tell you, there are three very distinct things that make me able to talk about anything... this blog. therapy. and all the shockingly awesome people i know, like this guy who was learning from me and teaching me at the same time.

it is ridiculous how much better i feel after writing it out :)
goodnight y'all

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