took off to california

after this post is the Target story. i don't really convey in it how or why i was disappointed, but after talking with julie, here's what i'm settling on as the great disappointment: my Wunderman job is not a graphic design job. it's the Interactive Coordinator, which means i kind of run the account and make sure we're on time, within budget, that kind of thing. but after not having any job last longer than six months (except the architecture firm), and with the past four months of interviewing being completed without fruition, Target would have been the ultimate validation. i'd considered it a career job, one where i could be for years. and instead i'm taking the non-design job at the place i really enjoy, where it might segue into art direction in a year or two. part of me wants to totally walk away, but a bigger part of me wants benefits and regularity. ultimately, pervasively, i'm scared out of my mind that i'm not really any good at this but almost-good enough that i can fool most people.

so to escape this cloud over my head i took off for the weekend and went to see my amazing friend and college buddy Julie. this is julie:


she's living out in san diego, where it was 75 degrees and next to the pacific ocean, two things that are the opposite of Chicago right now. julie asked me what i want to do, anything i had in mind, and instead of going with snorkling or the San Diego Zoo, all i could think of was a lyric from Counting Crows "Long December" which goes, "It's been so long since I've seen the ocean... I think I should."

so that was the big event on saturday. we got up, met up with julie's friends for breakfast, then spent three hours collecting shells and talking about life on the beach. it was the most unbelievably perfect thing for my state of mind. julie's so good with me, we've seen each other through a lot and when we're together it's like, nothing matters enough to change us. we could meet at the beach or on the moon, and it would always be us, and it would always be easy.


so i'm back in chicago now, it's valentine's day, and i'm a little more settled than i've been. my feet have put in motion again, and even if i'm not buying the direction yet, there is one and that's something. i feel like i've lost track of what i want out of life, like why am i working and to what end? which are new feelings and questions for me, i'm usually one to be all "one day at a time" and zen or whatever. i'm typically an in the moment type of person, but suddenly the 25th birthday is two days away and the next ten years are looming. and i'm scared by my not having any clue what they'll do to me.

and on that note. crazy life events have always come along rapid fire, and i'm too used to that to stay with these feelings for very long. despite my apocolyptic forebodings, i'm pretty confident the fog will lift soon.